I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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