I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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