I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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