Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
