Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
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