Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize