i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
