I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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