I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize