I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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