Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
