first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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