my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
