I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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