No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
It's Friday. Sex?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
