yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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