was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
