I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize