My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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