considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
