he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
