I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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