i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were destined to go to rehab together
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Randomize
