oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
