weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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