I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
