I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize