My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
