Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you win again, gameday.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
