I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Randomize
