i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
