dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
a search helicopter?!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize