Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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