my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
