Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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