I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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