I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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