I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
