His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
