Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Be still, my beating vagina.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize