God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
