ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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