boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
