I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
