I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
