I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
