I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
