I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize