i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
