There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize