Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
