pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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