Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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