Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
