Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
