I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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