Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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