Cold hands, warm shart.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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