I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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