Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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