If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
