rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
