Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
