Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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